Whose Fault Is It?!

The blame game

Who is at fault? Everyone and no one. Speaking not just of eating disorders, but of all addictions, everyone plays a role. While the person suffering through addiction is responsible for the destructive behaviors and lack of emotional exploration fixes, the people surrounding him/her have to be accountable for their own behaviors too.

Focus on recovery entails a ton of work for the addict. He is forced into a consistent place of discomfort in addressing the who, what, when, where, and especially whys of how this addiction came to be. True, the addict deserves to have to put in this work. It is necessary and unavoidable. In order to live and be a productive member of society, efforts are a must. What baffles me, is the diminished importance put into the acknowledgment of failures on the people in the addict's life.

Looking into statistics, we can find that people addicted to alcohol have a relapse rate of up to 90%. Other drug addictions have a comparable percentage rate. Eating disorders have around a 50-60% relapse rate (because many won't admit it or simply die). We tend to blame the addict for relapse. We choose to view this person as weak or selfish if they return to the very substance or behaviors in which they seemingly already conquered. This begs the question, "why do people relapse?"

Science will dive into brain wiring, genetics, and failure of group therapies. Chruch will say that the belief in God wasn't strong enough, or the person hasn't fully surrendered to Christ. Andrea (I) will throw the social factor into the mix, which I believe is the real culprit behind repeated relapses and struggles with sobriety.

An addict can quit going to the bar or the ally for their drug of choice. Loved ones may alter their partaking in smoking weed or drinking around an addict. These are good things to do, but it is far from enough. Modification of behaviors in one particular avenue cannot fix the whole problem.

As stated in one of my podcast episodes, addiction is not only a symptom of a greater issue with the addict, but a symptom of an entire social dynamic sickness. Social dynamics are found in friend groups, teams, churches, and families. Examining all contributors to an addict's life will give insight on where the social kinetic chain is unhealthy. Investigation of accepted, yet toxic "norms" isn't just for the benefit of the addict, but for everyone.

Problems arise when the entire workload of sobriety is placed on one party. Maybe that one party has engaged in the worst of behaviors, but that doesn't mean others don't harbor their own demons. Some people are oblivious to their poor character, while others may be aware and just good at concealing them. The point is, if there is one person transparently showing dysfunction, it is almost guaranteed that everyone in their life has some major issues as well.

Addicts are sponges. I believe they are the true sensitives of their social circles. Feeling and observing everyone's shortcomings, shame, sins, etc....and pleasured with the task of being the "vault" of said things, is overwhelming. Addicts run to their actions because it is the only effective way for them to process the overwhelm of responsibility having been assigned them.

You can stop partaking in drugs, alcohol, or EDs all you want, but if the people around you still push their beings onto you, you will be at risk for relapse. It is not only the addict that needs to admit they have a problem. It isn't just the addict with poor emotional processing. It is virtually impossible for an addict to accept full blame on why relapse happens.

I work with someone who had been to 14 different rehabs for his addiction. Why so many relapses? Because he didn't want to stop doing drugs....and he didn't have to! When daddy quit paying for spa-recovery, bail money, and living costs....then the addict was forced to get straight. This guy liked doing drugs. He got a high off of talking sweetly about his "friends" that overdosed and died. The stories of those who died in addiction were like bragging rights to whomever listened; proving just how tough of a guy he was to not succumb to the same fate. This fueled his pride and made him believe he was truly invincible. His circle expected him to be invincible. Knowing a bit about his past, I could see failure in those around him. There was enabling, entitlement, throwing money at a situation instead of doing the inner work necessary to have healthy relationships. Relapse had become a way to get attention. That was the only time he got attention. Attention from fellow druggies in companionship. Attention from family as being seen as the problem. Attention from other buddies that depended on him for connections and ego boosts. Doing drugs served him.....until they didn't.

In a group of 20, only one is asked to do significant changing. Either that one person will begin a new life with new people surrounding him, or the 19 in his circle will keep him in a box of scared immaturity without proper coping/healing skills. Asking a sober addict to continue serving as an emotional dumping ground while staying sober is like a ticking time bomb. Others must begin to recognize their own work that needs to be done.

Like the bible says, one fly in the ointment makes the whole bottle stink. And a little bit of yeast makes all the dough rise. One person cannot be assigned the dysfunction of the whole. So, if you ask me who is at fault? I say, everybody.