Tools in your recovery: Creativity

I recently had a conversation with the only therapist I've ever trusted. (Yes, I do see the validity of therapy even while disagreeing with psychology as a whole.) I informed her of the launch of this site, where I went on a small rant about how the medical/mental health providers get so many things wrong pertaining to eating disorders. After letting me indulge in my views, she asked a very simple question that no professional has ever posed to me:

"How would you treat eating disorders?" Stunned, when realizing that in all my years in the battle, I was never permitted to give this opinion; I paused and stated:

1- Get them out of the family dynamic

2- Get them into the gym

3- Have them find a creative outlet

I have reasons for all three personal recommendations, but for the purpose of this post, I will only focus on "Creativity" for today.

When I was sick, therapists gave me all kinds of direction on how to better love my body and see it for what it was. I was urged to "tap" into all of my suppressed emotions to get "in touch" with my "inner child" and access my trauma. Now, I don't know if you can tell, but seriously? You're asking me to do what?! My personality doesn't lend well to being treated with baby-gloves, and the sticky sweet sympathy being doled out made my skin crawl. This tactic may have worked for other patients, however, in my experience, most people who are super bad in their illness, appreciate directness and collaboration. We don't like to be seen as weak, and we don't want to be told what to do unless we can detect the validity of the task being assigned.

I was given a workbook where I was to draw what I saw in the mirror. I faked that assignment. I saw an underweight girl as my reflection; but I knew what they wanted. So, what did I do? I drew a big fat girl instead! I was asked to "name" my disorder (so wrong on so many levels). I wouldn't do that. After being instructed to "color my feelings" in a coloring book......I was done. Why did I reject all of these aids in recovery? Because it was dumb to me.

People need to understand that patients with complex issues including trauma/grooming, will not ever be comfortable sharing their vulnerable side. We've been there, done that, and were tortured emotionally for it. Why would we trust a doctor or shrink that we don't even know? Why would we give a stranger access to our innermost parts when we cannot even open up to people close to us?

I believe the shrinks, over-shrink when it comes to recovery tools. Why do I like only one therapist? Because she played the long game. I wasn't forced to open up when I wasn't ready. I wasn't frowned upon when I was goofy, too chatty, emotional, mad, etc..... Looks of pity were not in her repertoires. Instead of trying to "fix" me like some kind of project, sessions felt more like a safe-zone where I was allowed to fully be myself....flaws and all! In all transparency, I was testing her in my head for a while before I finally relented and could totally let my guard down. It took years.

A creative outlet in recovery is imperative. The catch is: it has to have a payoff (that's right perfectionism!). Learning a song on the piano- it's a task,

but gets accomplished. Photography- the good ones adorn a wall. Writing- results in a book of poetry (or blogsite!). Knitting- provides a warm scarf for winter. These activities serve as a distraction from the obsessive thoughts about food, calories, weight, and clothes size. We can concentrate on something that is worthwhile. It also is an avenue of expression. For patients that have difficulty in vocalizing emotion due to anxiety and fear of judgment, we can cultivate a new skill or revive an old one to speak for us. Art, music, and literature have their own language. A language we can control and won't dictate our perceived value. When we are lost for words, a creative outlet will fill the gap. The added benefit of hatching self-esteem/self-confidence doesn't hurt either!

I have used many modes of creativity through my recovery and still partake in them today. Realizing that I had an identity beyond eating disorders and trauma has been a game changer.