Jesus Proof

I suppose this title is a bit misleading! I would never want to be "Jesus-proof", but I do want to share how I know that Jesus really IS the way, the truth, and the life; through the proof He has shown me in my life.

Listening to peoples' testimony is one of my favorite things. I love to hear stories of "beat down" to "never better", rag to riches, hurt to healing, lonely to loved. Who doesn't like a great come-back story, right? It's even better when the glory of a new life is given to the proper author: Jesus. Many would believe that a diet, medication, "good luck", or even a new business model is what has helped many overcome their struggles, but it's simply not true. Even if one was to give credit to the reasons I just listed; one would have to admit at some point that God himself is the source of everything. Our intelligence, food, ideas, passion, creativity, and work ethic all comes from Him. When I am asked about how I got better from eating disorders and addiction, or how I survived the most intense psychological abuse ever; I point to several things that are directly related to God.

For years, before I was a real born again Christian (I was a lukewarm chick prior), I would pray daily for God to "kill me or transform me". I would just repeat that over and over again everyday because I was so miserable in life that I just wanted it to end. I was sick, addicted, depressed, full of anxiety, and I knew that I was already slowly killing myself. I knew if I kept going the way that I had been, that my life would be over. I was actually okay with that as long as God took my life instead of myself. I didn't want to take a life that God had given me, but I also couldn't get out of my self-destructive habits no matter how hard I tried.

One evening while watching INTERVENTION, I was hit upside the head with the invisible "you're gonna die tonight" brick. I watched Intervention often, mostly to convince myself that I wasn't as bad off as the people on the television, so I couldn't REALLY be in horrible condition! That episode was about a woman who went everywhere with her alcohol. I did too. She was emotional, isolated, and couldn't hold a conversation unless she had cocktails in her system. Sounded like me. Then the camera panned over to a shot of her stumbling and mumbling in public. Whew! I thought, I'm not as bad as her. Wrong. The next segment after the commercial break was the woman meeting with a doctor who informed her that the vein popping out by her liver indicated severe cirrhosis and that she was going to die. At that moment, I went into my bathroom, lifted my shirt, only to find that same vein popping out of me!

I spun into a full-on panic attack that lasted all night. Already being a fifth of vodka in, it still didn't numb the anxiety, or calm my fears. I paced all night long wrestling with God. Bargaining, promising, then finally submitting to Him. I came to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. If God wanted me dead, then tonight was the night. If He wanted me alive, then I knew He would have to step in and make some miracles happen in record speed. The dark of night turned into the light of dawn, and I climbed into my car, drove the 3 miles to the nearest emergency room, and checked myself in while tears streamed down my face.

The nurses asked me where the cops were that brought me in (since it was clear that I was still under the influence), and I just cried saying "Nobody brought me, I'm anorexic, bulimic, have heart issues, and need to get off alcohol. I am afraid I will die if I'm not monitored in a detox." That was enough for them. I was taken into a private room, where the nurses began the I.V. for detox while wires monitoring my heart peeked out of the paper thin gown. I stayed overnight and was assigned a social worker to come talk to me. The social worker informed me that since I checked myself in, they couldn't force me to do anything after my visit, but she did recommend AA. Before my release the nurse came back in. She noticed that I clung to my Bible through the night and decided that she would approach me in a more spiritual nature. She handed me a card that had the name of her church on the back. The next day I went to that church, and the day after that I committed to attending 90 AA meetings in 90 days.

I would like to say that AA really made an impact on me, but it didn't. I was delivered from my addiction of alcohol that night I wrestled with God. I had no cravings. I had no urges. I could see clearly for the first time in years. Having an upbeat attitude in AA didn't serve me very well, most people were annoyed. AA did keep me from being bored though. Drinking used to fill my time, and now without the bottle, I had so much freedom, I wasn't sure how to start living again, so for that, I will always be thankful for the people in AA (whether I annoyed them or not). Church on the other hand was, well, a God send. I could feel all the feels, cry when needed, praise at the top of my lungs, and nobody batted an eye. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere.

In one night, not only was I delivered from alcohol, but the eating disorders completely ceased. Something that I, my family, and many doctors could not help, was taken care of in one dark panic filled night. I still had to suffer the pain of refeeding syndrome, and still have life long effects from what I did to my own body, but I am thankful for the pain and discomfort. It's a reminder of how much God loves me, how much He must have planned for my life, and my dependence on His power and strength.

There was a six month honeymoon period after I honestly gave my life to Christ. Then the attacks started coming. I am not a fan of having issue after issue arise in my life. I do not particularly enjoy the battles that go on in the world, with people, or in my own mind, but I still give thanks. God thought I was worth saving.

Many people have asked me how I survived and started to thrive in life considering what I had come from. My answers? God gave me a mind thirsty for research and study, music, creativity, renewed spirit, renewed mind, renewed body....He opened a lot of doors, but it was up to me to walk through them. Sometimes we don't know how strong we are until we are forced to give everything to Jesus. Now I see that it was not I who was full of power, but the God who created me who was, is, and is to come!